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Tuesday, February 5, 2013

How to Drive in Warsaw

1. Get in your car, take a deep breath, and call upon your inner aggression.

2. Talk yourself into anger. It is important that you be pissed off at everyone and everything.

3. Remember, you are the only car on the road that matters.

4. Pull off as fast and recklessly as you possibly can. If there are children, animals or old people near, become more reckless and aggressive.

5. Under no circumstances do you allow anyone to get in front of you. If a driver's blinker is on so that he/she can move into your lane, speed up to make sure this doesn't happen.

6. If another driver's choice is either to get into your lane or run into something, remember that the world is overpopulated and you are contributing to population control by allowing the other driver to crash and die.

7. If a driver cuts in front of you, speed up, go around him/her and create a situation that should almost certainly lead to a car accident and, with any luck, a fatal crash. That driver had no right to get into your lane and he did it because he knows you are a pussy and you won't do anything about it.

8. Get particularly pissed off and aggressive at any driver over 40 years old.

9. Speed up at crosswalks so that you have to stop suddenly.

10. And finally... if you are driving crazily or towing another car using a small child's jump rope, and you see a cop giving some other driver a citation, don't worry nor fret. The cops are only concerned with writing the ticket and you can get away with whatever you are doing. Also, make sure to pick up your mobile and text someone as you pass the cops.


  1. I laughed but there is actually some truth in this. While driving in Poland, you may sometimes feel like you've been playing Grand Theft Auto or another stupid computer game, honestly. Polish drivers have their own unique habits that may cause loads of trouble to a foreigner, however they seem pretty normal to every Pole. I'm especially pissed off with those nasty Porsche owners who just love speeding in the city centre.

  2. LOL Actually what happened in point 7 was "teaching you a lesson". Most likely you didn't leave enough room for the other driver when you cut in in front of him in the first place, or you sped up to cut in but once you did you slowed down, forcing him to slow down too. In such a case they "teach you a lesson" the way you described. You threatened their safety, so they want you to know how it feels. I had similar experiences when I was first learning how to drive, until someone explained the unwritten rules to me. You can take over any car you want as long as you keep driving significantly faster than them.

  3. You nailed it! I'd love to hear your take on the county roads, two lanes with no shoulder become three as someone passes with no thought about oncoming traffic.